Post-Adoption Depression/Anxiety

 
I’ve been silent. Because I haven’t known what to say. Things have been difficult for our family.

We have had some absolutely breath-taking, beautiful, and wonderful moments. And we have had some soul-sucking, difficult ones. It’s often felt like we are yo-yo’s. Except for the up’s and the down’s, aren’t always as predictable.

Language barriers are difficult. Cultural differences are complex. Kameron’s English has been progressing rapidly. He understands so much more than he speaks right now. Google translate is needed rarely. But there are still lots of misunderstandings we all encounter.

We have all made mistakes along the road. God has been faithful and used these as opportunities for growth. For all of us.

But growing, adjustments, and learning are hard. And it hurts. A lot.

Let’s be honest, we have ZERO experience parenting a teenager. That alone comes with challenges we wouldn’t know to expect or how to prepare for until we were there. And here we are.

The boys’ relationships continue to grow and make progress. But it has been hard won. Navigating this has been certainly challenging. Especially with two incredibly head-strong oldest children. Our 7 year old has had to learn how to be a “younger brother.” This wasn’t a role he was born into. Despite his excitement to no longer be the oldest, it has required much from him, and learning to be a younger brother has been especially tough for him.

Jesse and I had been pouring so much into our children. And we got tired. Exhausted. We literally got to the point of having nothing more to give.

I’ll be honest with you all—I wanted to give up. This road has been challenging and hard. I was incredibly down-hearted, because I just couldn’t keep going on like I was. Our family couldn’t move forward. We were stuck. I couldn’t figure out how to put one foot in front of the other.

Then, God opened a door. I started learning more of something I had heard of could occur, before we adopted. Post-adoption depression/anxiety. Suddenly, everything I was feeling, had a name. And it is not an uncommon phenomenon.

I’ve struggled to say anything. Because I was deeply ashamed and embarrassed. But I realized, something I have often said to any patient struggling with the same problem, “you shouldn’t be ashamed. It is not like you CHOSE this!” But there I was—feeling ashamed of it. Keeping it secret. Hoping it would go away. Trying to pray it away.

And yet, it stays. No amount of prayer, reading of the Bible or “giving it to God” has definitively stopped the tightness in my chest, the palpitations, the occasional days of melancholy, the constant return of “feeling on edge” (also known as the pesky fight or flight reflex), or any of the other somatic symptoms that come with the feelings of anxiety or depression.

We hit rock bottom. And more specifically, I hit rock bottom. I couldn’t cope with the challenges we were facing and couldn't bear it for another moment. I had lost the joy and couldn’t seem to find even a faint glimmer of hope in what we had felt so clearly, that God had called us to.

I didn’t know what to do. But I knew we needed help. Which required something of me that I really don’t like doing. I had to ask for help. Because I couldn’t do this on my own. We have since reached out. To our medical providers, adoption agency, employers, family, church, and friends in our community.

And dear loved ones, you have responded with such amazing grace! We have had multiple friends, family, and co-workers-- call, text, and check in with us. Offer a smile. Or a cookie. Or a coffee. People have helped us with freezer meals so we could re-plan, refocus on meeting our own needs without the burden of daily dinner planning. We have had people help with the boys and love on them, just so we could focus on getting us back on track. We have since come to grasp the greatness and vastness of our resources and used this time to do better and be better, purposefully. Thank you to all of you seems hardly sufficient. We have been overwhelmed by the show of support for our family.

And something as equally amazing happened. People have responded with LOVE. Instead of what I had expected, judgement. My own thoughts drifted to, “well didn’t you KNOW this could happen? You work in medicine for goodness sakes!”

Burn out is real. We can get so busy caring for others that we stop caring for ourselves. And it can happen so subtly at first. Sometimes, you won’t even recognize it’s happening. It seems like such a simple notion that “you cannot put on oxygen mask on others, till you have yours on first.” But there I found myself—placing oxygen masks on everyone else—it’s no wonder I couldn’t breathe.

While I am not “cured”, we are certainly rehabilitating and making progress.  We are seeing the joy in the journey again. We are all doing better. There are still hard days. Hard moments. But we are moving forward again.

We are no longer cocooning. Some have asked what they can do to help us. I would first ask that you continue to pray for our family. Our prayer is that our family wouldn’t simply “survive” but rather that we would “thrive” again.

Also, continue to check in on us. (So many of you do this, and I have appreciated it so much! Thank you, thank you, thank you!) We are ready for people to start coming over from time to time. We could certainly use the smiles, conversation, etc. Please continue to speak kindness and words of truth to our boys. It really does take a village.

Lastly, please be kind and supportive. It is incredibly difficult for me to be this open about how I have been struggling. I feel God pushing me to say something about it. Because I know I am not alone. This phenomenon is actually, incredibly common. And if this post helps ONE person know that they are not alone, then it has done its purpose.

Adoption is a beautiful and wonderful thing. It certainly has its own unique joys and challenges. What I have learned is the true value and importance of self-care and recognizing the symptoms of burn-out early on so you can get help and on a healthier path.

I have included some websites if you wish to look more into post-adoption depression and anxiety more:

1.       https://www.adoptionstogether.org/blog/2013/01/07/why-arent-i-happy-recognizing-post-adoption-depression-syndrome/

2.       https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/adoption-bonding-home/post-adoption-depression/

3.       http://adoption.com/post-adoption-depression

Thank you for the love and kindness in advance. And to those who struggle too, know you are not alone.